You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
