so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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