why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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