Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
