how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
