i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
