On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
