I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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