You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
