I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
