Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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