Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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