I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she looked like the before picture.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
