I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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