I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
