My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
His nipple licking is glorious
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