You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
