No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
