This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
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There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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