Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
