My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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