Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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