So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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