true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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