Your dad touched me again.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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