You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You were trust falling into bushes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
