Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
