Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
