Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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