y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.