please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off