hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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