My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
