You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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