I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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