I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
