someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
