Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
3pm strippers are depressing
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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