i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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