just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
