Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
