Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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