i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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