I just threw up on my dentist
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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