I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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