I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
