my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
