Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
