Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
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Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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