you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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