I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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