my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
