I wish my penis had an off switch
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
time to smoke my breakfast
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
