Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
