I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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