Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
