My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
